Jan/101
If there was Tech Support for SEX
WARNING: THIS POST IS SOMEWHAT SEXUALLY GRAPHIC. Please don’t read it if that sort of thing offends you. I originally wrote it as a way to blow off some steam. We just launched our first client in our new business and he did very well. “Very well” means “lots of customers” and with customers comes “lots of tech support issues”.
So, like I said, I’ve been jumping in and helping out with my company’s tech support issues lately and it got me to thinking… What if there was a TECH SUPPORT team for “HOW TO HAVE SEX”…
How to Have Sex
(also known as “How to Make Love”)
There are many different positions that you can place your bodies to have sex. We won’t get into the different positions here, only the basics. However, it is important that you have at least two participants in order to actually use this guide.
step 1) find someone of the opposite sex whom is interested in having sex with you … unless you’re gay, then someone of the same sex is fine
step 2) find a nice comfortable place with enough room for you both of you to lay vertically
step 3) take off most of your clothes and start feeling around each other’s bodies … it’s a good idea to know the landscape before just trying to stick things in places they don’t belong
kissing is a good idea, but not neccessary … however it can lead to using your mouth in other parts of the body which can be a good thing
step 4) at some point someone should put a penis in one of the other person’s orafices. Mouth, anus, or vagina (if available) … the ultimate goal being a penis in the vagina in a heterosexual encounter
*note: if the two participants are both female – substituting the tongue or a couple of fingers will do just fine instead of a penis
step 5) once the penis (or penis replacement) is finally inserted in the vagina; you’ll want to slowly push it in there the first time – make sure it’s well lubricated
step 6) now, pull the penis almost all the way out of the vagina and push it back in slowly another couple of times
step 7) with increasing speed, push the penis and pull the penis in and (almost out) of the vagina as many times as you possible can
you’ll notice that this feels very good at first and then after a little while (could be a matter of seconds for some people) it will feel VERY GOOD
keep pushing and pulling until this VERY GOOD feeling overcomes you … and until you eventually have an EVEN BETTER feeling
this EVEN BETTER feeling is called an orgasm
the goal is that both partipants have an orgasm, but if this is your first attempt at sex, it’s possible that only the person who’s penis was being used will have an orgasm
step 8 ) keep pushing and pulling that penis even after you have an orgasm if you can – especially if the other person hasn’t had an orgasm yet
again, the goal is that both of you have an orgasm – but we can not promise this each and every time
step 9) once your penis goes limp, you can stop pushing.
remove your penis, grab a towel, clean up the mess
step 10) lay down, put your hands behind your head, and have a nice bit of sleep
congratulations, you’ve now had sex
A word of caution: please do not contact our tech support department while you are in the middle of any of these steps. It will guarantee failure. Contact us either before or after. Thank you.